


The Love Poetry Of Derek Nurse

by mariuspondmercy



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Coming Out, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Homophobic Language, M/M, Minor Chris "Chowder" Chow/Caitlin Farmer, Minor Eric Bittle/Jack Zimmermann, Miscommunication, Poetry, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2019-03-16 14:59:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13638597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mariuspondmercy/pseuds/mariuspondmercy
Summary: It felt good, laughing with Dex. Warm and fuzzy and Derek enjoyed it. He was a poet, he couldn’t help but fall in love with little things every day. The soft ray of sunlight shining on a tree by the lake, Dex’s laugh right that moment, the way Bitty folded Jack’s sweater with love in his eyes, the rustling of paper in the library close to midterms. It was nothing unusual and Derek loved it.~~Receiving love letters with poetry from a secret Valentine is kind of a romantic dream come true for Nursey. He likes being wooed and he likes that this person - whoever they may be - seem to know him so well. Unfortunately, this little crush on his teammate, roommate and friend Dex leaves him confused and feeling guilty.





	The Love Poetry Of Derek Nurse

**Author's Note:**

> As my first fanfic for this fandom, I hope you guys like it. I am a little worried no one will read something this long, but the fanfic basically wrote itself over the span of ten days. So let me know if you enjoyed it!

Derek jumped a little when the door of the bedroom slammed close a little too forcefully. He had been quite in his own head, concentrating on his upcoming midterms. The class was titled _Race, Colonialism and the Rise of the Novel_ and Derek found studying for it less tedious than for most other courses. Still, it wasn’t that easy to remember all eight ways in which _Robinson Crusoe_ could be read.

Back in the day, a slammed door would’ve made him angry and pissed, but now it only made him concerned. Yes, Dex had a temper but he’d gotten increasingly better at controlling it, as he had gotten better at most things. Somewhere along the lines, their antagonism had shifted into friendship, so Derek knew that slammed doors meant a high stress level or that something had upset him immensely.

He turned around to look at Dex, who had thrown himself onto the bottom bunk bed with a groan.

“Wanna talk about it?”

“No.”

“Wanna go to Murder Stop-and-Shop to grab ice cream?”

“We’ve got a diet to stick to.”

By now, Derek knew what that meant. Dex was basically saying _I want what you’re proposing but I’m in a bad headspace and feel the necessity to deny myself what I wish for_.

“Alright. I wanted to finish writing down the arguments of this article and then have a look downstairs. Bitty promised pie and I need something for my soul.”

Dex didn’t call him out on it, didn’t say that he’d smell if Bitty had made pie or cookies already. It was a way of showing gratitude, because it was a well-established fact that Derek would go down, grab whatever indulging food he could find and bring it back to share with Dex. But, as fate would have it, Bitty was either not home yet or actually studied. All their emergency pies had been eaten by a pack of hungry and stressed out student athletes. With a deep sigh, Derek made his way to the closest shop. He’d bought a bike a few weeks ago, so he was back within half an hour. He found Dex still curled up on the bottom bunk - Derek’s bunk -, playing on his phone.

“I got donuts.”

Derek dropped the bag onto the bed before taking off his shoes and chucking them under the desk.

“What’s this?” Derek held up an envelope with his name written on it.

“Oh.” Dex looked up from his phone. “Right. I found that taped to the door when I came home. Sorry.”

Derek hummed and let himself fall onto the bed next to Dex, who scooted over to make more room for his friend. Taking out the letter, Derek furrowed his brows.

“It’s a poem.”

“A poem?”

“Yeah.” He handed over the piece of paper for Dex to read out loud:

“Dear Derek,

 _You're a gem, you're a holy cairn_  
_You're a clattering shaw_  
_You're a Tongland Bridge_  
_You're a Solway Firth_  
_You're a Big Water of Fleet_  
_You're an old song, you're a valley_  
_This feeling inside me could never deny me. (Jackie Kay)_

All the best, your secret Valentine.”

Dex handed back the letter. “What do you think?”

“I think it’s sweet,” Derek smiled. “I feel honoured that someone went through all the trouble of leaving me a poem as a Valentine’s Day gift.” He giggled. “It’s so romantic, don’t you think?”

“Wasn’t that author the woman who wrote that book about a trans man who played the trumpet?”

“Biracial trans man,” Derek nodded. “You listened when I rambled about it?”

Dex shrugged and got a donut out of the bag. “You talked about it a lot during our last roadie. Excessively. But hey, you find it charming that someone is writing you letters instead of creepy.”

“Why would it be creepy?”

“I don’t know,” Dex mumbled around the donut in his mouth.

Derek hummed softly and grabbed his own donut. They were quiet for some time, both lost on their respective phones or in their heads. Derek was still thinking about the poem, wondering who would write him such a letter, who his mysterious Valentine could be, when Dex cleared his throat. Derek put away his phone to signal that he was listening.

“So you know how there was this storm at the East Coast the other week? And how it hit Maine with force?”

He hummed in acknowledgement.

“Turns out that a lot of the stuff that broke isn’t as easily repaired. So… uhm… so my mum just called to tell me that they don’t think we’ve got the money for me to go home over Easter break. And I know you don’t get it. I know you think I should cut my ties with my family because they’re homophobic and racist… but they are family. And if I could get educated, maybe I can educate them, you know? And just…” Dex sighed, making Derek’s heart clench in his chest.

“Bro, I totally get wanting to go home. They’re your family and I get complicated family. I could…”

“Don’t you dare say you’ll pay for it,” Dex hissed. “I’m not fucking… I shouldn’t have told you.”

“No, I… I thought… maybe you could come with me? We don’t celebrate Easter, with the one mum being Buddhist and the other Muslim, but we could still, like, hide eggs around the brownstone? Skype your family? I’ve always wanted to see if the ears are a family trait.” Derek gently flicked the ear closest to him, earning a soft growl from Dex.

“I’ll talk to my mum about it,” was all he said before he picked up his own phone again.

It was good enough, for now.

Soon, with the familiar tunes of Beyoncé coming from the kitchen, letter and distress were momentarily forgotten in favour of Bitty’s raspberry pie.

The next day, Derek had slept longer than originally planned. He and Chowder had talked until late at night, neither making it to the optional practice. Instead, they’d made breakfast as good as they could, which meant they’d waited for Dex to come back and chirp them about missing practice before he’d helped with pancakes. Derek was on blueberry-rinsing and strawberry-cutting duty. It went as well as expected: when the others came in, Nursey was sporting a band-aid around his thumb. It had sharks on it, courtesy of Chowder.

“Yo, bro, Nursey my man,” Whiskey yelled from the front door. “There’s a letter for you! Was tucked into the rink door, Bitty found it.”

Whiskey appeared in the door, Dex peeking over his shoulder. “Read it!” Whiskey urged, thrusting the letter into Derek’s hand.

“Oi, watch my hand, I hurt myself!”

“Yeah, he did,” Dex laughed. “Chowder had to kiss it better.”

“He did no such thing!” Derek protested, but couldn’t help and laugh along.

It felt good, laughing with Dex. Warm and fuzzy and Derek enjoyed it. He was a poet, he couldn’t help but fall in love with little things every day. The soft ray of sunlight shining on a tree by the lake, Dex’s laugh right that moment, the way Bitty folded Jack’s sweater with love in his eyes, the rustling of paper in the library close to midterms. It was nothing unusual and Derek loved it. He was excited about the new letter, excited to see if he’d get one every day until Valentine’s Day now.

“What does it say?” Chowder asked, poking Nursey’s cheek softly.

Derek unfolded the letter and read it out loud:

“Dear Derek,

 _I do not love you except because I love you;_  
_I go from loving to not loving you,_  
_From waiting to not waiting for you_  
_My heart moves from cold to fire. (Pablo Neruda)_  


All the best, your secret Valentine.”

“Damn, that sounds nice but accusatory!” Chowder whistled lowly.

“I think it’s lovely,” Derek smiled. “Yesterday, they sent me a letter with a Jackie Kay poem. So either they know me well and know my favourite poets or they had luck these two times.”

“Who do you think it is?” Chowder asked, grabbing the letter from his hands. “Do you know their handwriting?”

“Nope, never seen that handwriting in my life. I guess they must be sharing a class with me though.”

“But why would they say they don’t love you?” Chowder mused.

“Maybe cause they realised that Nursey can be a real grade A douche sometimes,” Dex grinned, slinging his arm around Derek’s shoulders.

“Love is a fickle thing, my young Padawan,” Wicky said, ruffling Dex’s hair. “One day you hate ‘em, next day you love ‘em.”

“Or maybe,” Bitty chimed in, “they just hate him a little because of how pretty he is, which is distracting in class?”

“I like Bitty’s version the best,” Nursey grinned, “because it’s obviously the truth.”

“Let’s crack the code and figure out who this mystery lady or mystery dude or mystery non-binary person is!” Tango whooped. “But first: breakfast. Who made it?”

“Chowder made coffee, Nursey cut fruit and his finger, I made everything else.”

“Good!” Tango grinned. “So, Valentine’s Kegster. Will they be there? Probably! But how do we know? Who could it be? We believe it’s someone in Nursey’s class. Which one seems most likely?”

“You read _Trumpet_ in that Otherness seminar, right?” Dex said around his forkful of pancake. “So maybe someone who was in there is in one of your classes now as well.”

“Well, there’s Terry and Claire, for sure. Maybe I didn’t pay attention? I try to talk to everyone once in every class I have, just to make them feel like they belong, you know. Maybe I overlooked someone… Oh God, I have no idea!”

Dex laughed softly. “Just wait for the next letter, I’m sure there’s gonna be more hints. More obscure poets. Though Neruda isn’t obscure, is he? You talked about him before. I’m sure you’ll figure it out. I’m pretty sure a secret Valentine is gonna drop hints or reveal themself cause no one would go through the trouble of sending you letters to stay secret.”

“Dex has a point there. He also made great vanilla pancakes,” Bitty smiled. “No one's gonna stay secret. Maybe they’ll come to the Valentine’s Kegster and out themselves as your secret Valentine then. Oh, I gotta tell Jack to come here because I don’t want to miss it! Plus, it doubles as your birthday party! I have to be here for that before we take off for Providence for Valentine’s Day. We’re gonna cook together, because, well, we can’t really go out and have a proper Dinner Date. But Jack said to dress smart. Anyway, Valentine’s kegster, birthday, I’ll be there.”

“Bitty, it’s alright. You can go up to Providence like you planned. I’m not gonna make you and Jack drive there on Valentine’s Day.”

“Honey, I’ll be there for your birthday.” Bitty patted his hand gently. “I’m not letting my Frogs down here. You just have to stay halfway sober until Midnight. I’ll make your favourite pie.”

“Peach cobbler? I can stay sober for peach cobbler.”

Bitty laughed softly. “Dex will be on Nursey Patrol, as always, but we’ll all make sure that you’ll be sober for peach cobbler, honey.”

“Aw, Dexy, I feel honoured!”

“Yeah yeah, just cause you can’t stay sober, I have to watch your fucking ass on Valentine’s Day Kegster, when all the single and desperate ones are out to get some.”

“So I’m cockblocking you?” Nursey cocked his eyebrows, smirking slightly. “I heard Tango is a great wingman. Maybe I can just stay with Bitty and Jack in the kitchen while Tango is getting you laid. Find you a cute girl so you don’t have to spend Valentine’s Day alone.”

“I’m not spending Valentine’s Day alone. Well, unless your secret Valentine comes clean and you spend the day with them.”

“Oh….” Nursey cleared his throat. “No I… I’ll make sure that we have a nice… Palentine’s Day together.”

Fuck that guy. How could Dex be so kind and sacrifice a cute girl and the option of getting laid just for Nursey? And why was he blushing so hard? Huh, Derek was wondering if there was a thing such as a full-body blush. He was still thinking about it when he was helping Chowder and Bitty clear the table - everyone else was taking a shower because they were stinky college athletes.

“Sooo….” Bitty said, leaning against the counter, tea towel slung over his shoulder. “A mystery someone crushing on you?”

“That’s so exciting!” Chowder beamed at him, making Derek’s heart do somersaults. His friend’s enthusiasm was something that, no matter how often he experienced it, always caught him slightly off-guard.

“Yeah. It really is exciting and I just… I hope they’ll tell me who they are? Someone who goes through all the trouble of writing letters and maybe even look up poetry… that’s pretty cool.”

“It’s nice that someone goes to such lengths to make you happy,” Chowder smiled, gently squeezing his hand with his own soapy one. “You deserve it.”

The warm feeling from their words, the hope that someone just _got_ him and his poetry carried Derek through the day and the next. There was no letter, but maybe it just hadn’t been found yet. Granted, he’d spent most of his day at practice and then at the library, where Chowder and Dex were still coding away with fingers quicker than Derek’s would ever be.

Back in their room, he dropped his backpack on the middle of the floor and lay down right next to it. He was exhausted and, quite frankly, a little upset about not receiving a letter that day. Everything hurt, from practice and from being bent over the table for hours. Stretches, yoga, pilates… anything would help, if Derek could just pick himself off the floor. Instead, he decided to call his Mama.

She picked up on the second ring and Derek breathed a gentle “Mama” into the phone, followed by a soft chuckle and a groan.

“Midterm stress getting to you?” She asked in a soft voice.

“Yeah and just… stuff,” was Derek’s Spanish answer.

“Stuff?” He could practically hear her raise her left eyebrow.

“It’s… there’s someone who’s sending me Valentine’s Day letters. Well, two. I’m…” he exhaled shakily, knowing his Mama would understand.

“I see,” was all she said before they were silent, Derek drinking in the familiar sounds of her steady breathing, the noises of their house in the background. In the distance, he could hear his mum ask who’s on the phone, a question answered with “our son”, something that made Derek choke up a little. The noise seemed to startle both of them.

“You okay, honey?”

“Yes yes, I… if I were to do something dumb, would you still love me?”

“Getting a tattoo dumb, elope dumb or hurting someone else dumb?”

“Would you still love me?”

“I’m most certain I would.”

Derek hummed softly, staying silent once more. He stretched out his limbs and listened to the clanking of pots from downstairs. Bitty.

“I still love Dad, even though…”

“I know. It’s okay. He’s a good father, most of the time, he was just a bad husband. People can be both and more.”

“Dex is… he’s a good person, sometimes. Maybe his family… maybe they’re awful people but a good family.”

“Maybe they are.”

“They don’t have enough money for him to come home on Easter. Could he stay with us?”

“Of course, honey. He’s your friend.”

Derek laughed softly. “I guess he is, isn’t he? I gotta go now, Mama. Love you! Tell Mum I love her?”

“Will do. We love you, too.”

With that, he hung up the phone, took in a deep breath and got to his feet. He got out his yoga mat and changed into something more comfortable before joining Bitty in the kitchen. Bitty happily chatted away while Derek went through his routine. He was rewarded with still warm pie close to midnight and a soft smile from Bitty plus the excuse that he’d love to hang out more with Nursey but he had a Skype date with Jack. Derek sent him off with a laugh and the promise to tidy up the kitchen for him. With that done, he took two slices of pie up to their room, intending to do more stretches and meditate a little before Dex would come in. Just when Derek was in a particularly good headspace, the door behind him opened loudly. He already resigned himself to his fate, but Dex closed it quietly and stayed as silent as he could. The bathroom door opened, closed, opened and closed again. By the time the last closing happened, Derek was nearly through and slowly opened his eyes. Dex was sat on the bottom bunk, staring off into the distance, his face flushed - though Derek couldn’t tell if that was a blush or just the result of his evening routine. Next to Dex lay a letter, Derek’s name boldly written onto it. Instead of lunging for it like he thought he would, Derek got up onto his knees and placed a hand to Dex’s other side, carefully.

“What do you need?” He asked softly.

“No chirps,” came Dex’s immediate reply.

“Promised.”

Derek got out his laptop, opened Netflix in one, Hulu in another and Amazon Video in a third tab before placing the laptop gently in Dex’s hands. He pushed the letter aside and sat next to his friend, a plate with two slices of pie perched onto his knees.

“Easy A,” Dex said, pointing at the screen.

It was not a question, not a demand, but some sort of admission Derek couldn’t categorise yet.

“Chowder back?”

“Went to stay at Cait’s after we submitted the code.”

Derek nodded and snapped a photo of the pie, his and Dex’s knees close enough to touch. He sent the photo to the SMH snapchat group, captioned with _movie and pie with the bae (best arch enemy)_ before throwing his phone onto the letter next to him. Next to him, Dex snorted lightly and relaxed a bit more against Derek’s side.

“Can you show me to chill?” Dex asked after a while.

Derek bit his tongue, not forgetting the promise he’d made. Instead he asked: “Chill like yoga or meditation?”

“Pilates. Tried yoga with Mum and hated it. Can’t have the quiet for too long.”

“Okay. Before bed?”

“Maybe tomorrow, after practice?”

“Yeah okay, sounds good. Pie?”

Dex took the offered fork and dug into his pie, moaning softly. “‘S too good.”

“I know. Bless Bitty and his pie. You’ve got a lot to live up to once he’s gone.”

At that, Dex stiffened next to him.

“Oh, hey, no, I… uhm, I just meant that obviously you’ll be making our pie then cause you’re good at baking and Bitty is basically raising you to be his protégée and that’s a good thing! Maybe you’ll even get his dibs and then we don’t have to live together anymore, so like, I only meant it in a chill way, you know. Not like that it’ll be hard for you to catch up to Bitty’s pies and… I’ll shut my mouth.”

Dex stayed silent for far longer than Derek was comfortable with. He contemplated what he could say, what he had said but… he came up with only blanks.

“I should’ve known,” Dex mumbled softly into the dark after a while.

“Known what?”

“I’d move out by September, you said. It’s February now.”

“You’re the one who was weird about dibs!”

Dex sighed and nodded in defeat. “Yes.”

There was more to come, Derek could feel it. Maybe the truth, finally, maybe something that could make him understand better.

“You know, I always liked Ron Weasley the best.”

Oh. _Oh._

That was a confession if Derek had ever heard one. Of course, it made sense. Dex had helped Bitty, had fixed the Haus for free so many times, more than anyone probably knew.

And yet. _And yet_.

Derek had gotten Lardo’s dibs, had gotten them alone if not for Bitty’s insistence. Had he not intervened, Dex would’ve gotten no room at the Haus at all, at least not that year. Derek wasn’t sure how to answer, what to say. He said as much to Dex.

“It’s okay. It’s no one’s fault. I’m sorry for being weird about it. Just thought that, by now, we’d be okay.”

“But… we are okay. I… shit. Cause I said Bitty will give you his dibs? No, I… I’m glad we live together. Makes taking someone home harder but we found a good system and… it’s nice.”

“Whatever.” Dex shrugged his shoulders and finished his pie. “Don’t you wanna read your letter?”

“No.”

At the firmness in Derek’s voice, Dex looked at him for the first time that evening. His skin was pale, more so than normal, and he looked exhausted - defeated.

“No,” Derek repeated, “because I want to watch the movie with you. So, everyone thinks cute redhead is a virgin until she lies about it and people think she’s a slut?”

“Yeah.” Dex leaned back some, sliding more against Derek. “People pay her to say she slept with them.”

“Huh. You like the movie?”

“Yeah.”

“Cool.”

Dex only hummed in response, eyes glued to the screen again.

It wasn’t until the next day that Derek opened the letter. Chowder had come to wake them, finding the letter stuck to Derek’s cheek.

After getting a sleep-drunk Dex down and squished onto the bunk bed, Nursey finally tore the letter open.

“Dearest Derek,

_It's late at night; it's time to tell you my secrets_  
_My personality's cut up into pieces_  
_Modern society's my one secret weakness_  
_I'm out of money, and I'm out of my mind_  
_We can't fit in, so we just head for the fringes. (Ezra Furman)_  


With a sorrow heart, your secret Valentine.”

Chowder exhaled heavily. “Oh wow! That’s… Huh. You know, I bet you know this person well.”

“Why?”

“Cause like… you listen to that music, right? And not many people know or care to remember the name. So either it’s a super big coincidence or it’s someone to whom you’ve talked to about Ezra Furman’s music.”

“Maybe… maybe someone from the theatre group?”

Derek had actually joined that year, and enjoyed it immensely. Sure, on top of school and hockey, it was even more stress, but the theatre group knew hockey came first, so they had assigned him smaller roles, making the schedule fit with his hockey schedule.

“I definitely talk to them the most about, like, LGBT+ issues and stuff. Might’ve mentioned when I found a genderfluid musician. I know there’s people who also study literature, so it’s likely that we’ve had classes in common.”

“There you go!” Chowder beamed at him. “Who would you wish for?”

“Uhm…” he glanced towards Dex, who had just nodded off against his shoulder. “Deborah is cute but there’s also Kit. He’s gorgeous and fun to hang out with.”

Chowder hummed and looked over at Dex before squeezing Nursey’s knee softly. “Whoever they turn out to be, I hope they’re everything you wish for them to be.”

Derek smiled softly and leaned against Chow, which resulted in Dex jolting awake.

“Oh shit. Okay, wow, what, I…” He looked at them with bleary eyes. Chowder giggled softly and got up, dropping fond kisses to both their foreheads.

“Ten minutes, then you’ll be downstairs or I’m sending Bitty.”

Dex laughed and stretched his long limbs. “Okay okay, I’m getting up! No need to threaten us!”

Derek only shook his head, getting up as well.

Practice was fun but gruelling. He enjoyed the on-ice banter with Dex, all the chirping and the jokes. He enjoyed the soft smile Chowder always spared them when he saw them joke around together. Though part of him was irked by it a little. They’d changed a lot the past few months, wasn’t it normal by now that they got along well? He enjoyed spending time with Dex and Dex seemed much more comfortable in his vicinity than a year ago. They’d both changed though Dex still had to unlearn a lot of shit. Check yourself before you wreck yourself, as Shitty would say.

“Anyone up for Annie’s this afternoon?” Chowder asked after they’d made their way back to the changing room.

“Nah, sorry,” Dex apologised, “I’m showering here and then I’ll head straight to the library. Got another coding project due at midnight and I haven’t started yet.”

“I’ll join though, after a shower,” Nursey agreed.

“Aw, we haven’t really done anything as a trio in such a long time.”

“After midterms, Chow, I promise,” Dex said.

“I will hold you to that!”

Dex only rolled his eyes and took his stuff with him to the showers.

“Shower at home?” Derek asked.

“I’d like that much better than the showers here. We’ve got consistent water pressure.”

“Thanks to Dex.”

“Thanks to Dex,” Chowder agreed.

Once both were showered and dressed respectable enough for Annie’s, they decided that it would be much nicer to take a detour round campus and find a bench to sit on. They could chat, just hang out, be with their best friend. It’s not that Derek didn’t love his other teammates and housemates, but there’s always been something special about the trio of Frogs. (They all still thought of themselves as Bitty’s Frogs, no matter how old they were.)

“So, you and Cait have any plans for Valentine’s Day?”

“Yes! First, team breakfast with you guys because it’s your birthday. Then we’ll just hang out together, but I’ve got a surprise planned! I’m taking her out to the movies in the evening and when we get back, her roommate will have decorated the room with roses and stuff. I owe her big time! We’ll have a romantic picnic in her room! And also stay there overnight.”

“That sounds lovely, Chow,” Derek smiled.

“And you? Do you think your secret Valentine will reveal themselves in time for the actual day?”

“I hope! I think they’ll be at the Kegster and tell me there. Maybe with a grand romantic gesture?”

Chowder hummed thoughtfully. “Just… don’t get too caught up in that idea, okay? I don’t want you to be disappointed.”

“Hey, if I get my heart broken, I’ve got my team to lean on, right?”

“Yeah! He wouldn’t admit it, but I’m certain Dex would punch anyone who hurt you.”

“And anyone who’d hurt you. Not that Cait will hurt you.”

“Dex will defeat our honour.”

“Didn’t know I had honour,” Derek smirked.

“I beg to differ!” Chowder laughed and hugged him tight.

“I won’t get my heart broken, I promise. I’m not that invested yet. It’s more of a riddle, a fun puzzle to solve. You and Dex like puzzles, don’t you? We should sit together and make, like, mind maps the day before Valentine’s Kegster. See if we can figure it out.”

“I think Dex has an essay due that evening… but maybe he’ll still join us because he’s done earlier.”

Derek snorted. “Uhm, no. I doubt that! You finished your hot chocolate? Wanna head home and then to the library? We can get Dex a coffee on the way and maybe a chocolate croissant? They’re his usual stress food and I think he needs it. Badly.”

“Agreed. Let’s pamper him a bit tonight! If he’s home before ten because I gotta go to sleep early. 8am exam,” Chowder sighed dramatically.

“I’ll pamper him by myself then.”

As it turned out, that would be necessary in the end. Dex didn’t get in until half eleven, tired and exhausted. Luckily, Bitty had exams soon, so baked goods were plenty. With a plate full of pie and cookies, Derek awaited his roommate. When Dex entered the room, he only groaned and leaned against the closest thing possible - which was their desk, in this case.

“Pie, massage, movie?” Derek suggested.

“Pie, pilates, movie?”

“Gladly. You just gotta change into something comfier.”

Dex hummed and started taking off his jumper and jeans, struggling because he had forgotten to take off his shoes first. Once they were out of the way, he turned towards Derek.

“Ready. This is comfy enough, I don’t need work out clothes.”

“Uhm…” Derek cleared his throat and nodded. “Follow me or should I correct your positions?”

“Both?”

“Both it is.”

Derek lay out both their mats next to each other before sitting down on his cross-legged.

“Just listen and follow and I’ll check in, yeah?”

Dex followed easily and without further prompting, did the positions shown to him. It brought a bit of pride to Derek, if he was being honest. When Dex was doing the bridge, Derek’s warm hands on Dex’s even warmer thighs, he spoke up: “New letter today?”

“Yeah, Shakespeare sonnet.”

“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?”

Derek laughed softly, running his hands along Dex’s legs to gently coach him into a new position.

“Nope, Sonnet 27. It’s about someone being gone and the day’s exhaustion making their mind numb but as soon as they sleep, they think about their lover. _By day my limbs, by night my mind, for thee, and for myself, no quiet find,_ ” Derek recited.

“Sounds like a student.”

“A student stressed out by midterms,” Derek nodded with a grin. “I suspect someone from the theatre group.”

“You thespians and your obsession with a dead bisexual British man. And it doesn’t matter if I mean Shakespeare or Freddie Mercury. You’re crazy about both.”

“That I am,” Derek agreed. “Feeling better?”

“Yeah.” Dex let himself fall down onto the mattress before sitting up again and twisting his body. He faced Derek, smiling softly. “How are you holding up with midterm stress? Chill?”

“So chill.” Derek stretched his legs out and sighed. “Horribly overworked and panicking but… it’s nice to do this. With you. And blowing off steam on the ice helps, too.”

“Frog cuddle piles help.”

Derek grinned and nodded. He was glad that Dex was overcoming his aversion of hugs, that he managed to rebrand them as what they were: affection between friends, not a way to feel up a guy in a queer way.

“Frog cuddle piles are the best. We gotta give Chowder a big hug after his exam tomorrow.”

“Mhm, we do. Just text me when, cause I’ll be in the library all day long.”

“Yeah that’s chill. You cooled down enough? Ready for pie?”

“Always ready for pie. Movie? Your pick.”

Dex got up from the floor, stretching his arms high above his head to work out the last kinks. It was unfair, really, that he shone so brightly.

“My pick? My, Mr. Poindexter, did you get abducted by aliens?”

“I don’t believe in aliens.”

“That’s exactly what someone who was abducted by aliens would say!”

Dex laughed fondly and shook his head. “Okay, Mr. Nurse, pick a movie.”

“Just to spite you, I’m gonna pick something with aliens.”

“Yeah yeah, keep talking.” Dex exchanged his shirt for a jumper and let himself fall onto Derek’s bed. “The more you talk, the more pie for me.”

“I saved you pie!”

“And I’ll save you the trouble of eating it if you don’t shut up and come to bed. That… sounded different when said out loud.”

Derek quirked an eyebrow. “You wanna pull a fucking _no homo_? We talked about that shit.”

“Is it a _no homo_ if you’re not in homo with the other but still half-homo? And you’re not homo but pan so isn’t everything _no homo_ for you?”

“I…” Derek started.

Dex looked at him expectantly, biting his lower lip the way he only did when he anxiously waited for feedback on the new pie recipe he’s tried out. It was the Bitty Bite.

“Thank you for…”

Dex groaned and dragged Derek’s pillow over his face. “Please no, don’t say that,” he mumbled into the pillow. “I know Shitty said it’s protocol but… let’s just go with _ah, one in four, maybe more, I see, welcome to the club_ or something?”

Derek let himself fall next to Dex onto the bed and gently hit the pillow.

“I decided we’ll watch _Monsters Inc._ yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Derek dragged the pillow away from Dex’s face and smiled. “Still, thank you. Does anyone else know?”

“Uhm… Jack, but not Bitty.”

Nursey gasped in mock shock and clutched his hand to his heart. “You’re making Jack keep a secret from Bitty?”

“Jack can handle it and Bitty will understand.”

“I gotta ask though… why Jack?”

“Uhm…” Dex grabbed the pillow and clutched it to his chest before turning onto his back. “I… wanted to figure it out. But… I… well, Bitty is gay and not bi, so I didn’t know if he’d understand. And… well, you… you have always worn it as a shield, at least here. I… I didn’t feel comfortable because I have so many privileges, so I didn’t want to come barging in like _hey I think I’m bi I don’t understand my family won’t be happy if they ever find out but I got the privilege over Bitty that I got never locked into rooms and I’m white so why am I worrying also I was pretty damn homophobic and I’m still unlearning shit and I’m very uncomfortable_ so I called Jack. And then hung up on him immediately because… because of the overdose and… Parson.”

Jack had told them a bit ago about his history with Kent Parson, so they knew and could understand better, because he wanted to share that part of himself with his found family.

“But Jack called back and we talked and… it was nice. Strange, awkward, but nice. I want to tell Chowder, too. You think I can send him a text or should I rather…”

“Tell him in person.”

Dex nodded softly. “So… movie and pie? And no fucking questions about crushes!”

Derek laughed loudly. “I would never ever chirp you about crushes!”

“Oh, fuck you.”

“That’s a possibility now.” He waggled his eyebrows excessively, earning a groan from Dex. “Okay, okay! Movie and pie.”

This, Derek thought, was quite a surprise. He only hoped it wouldn’t change anything, wouldn’t interfere with their dynamic. Dex still seemed uncertain, insecure, unhappy with the thought of men loving men. Maybe being out, at least to his closest friends, would help.

They woke dazed to the sound of Dex’s alarm, Nursey hanging half off his own bed with Dex sprawled next to him. Both were shivering slightly, from the cold, lack of blankets and the sudden loudness of the alarm. They had practice in the early afternoon, so no matter what Dex had claimed, he couldn’t spent the entire day at the library. They’d be on the road early next morning for a game eight hours away, so Derek hoped for a quiet night with the team. Between picking up Chowder after his exam to treat him to lunch, Nursey and Dex studied in the library before heading off to practice. They quickly went back to the Haus to grab their stuff, their run to Faber half a workout already. Bitty worked them to the bones on the ice, soft chirps, harsh comments and gentle encouragements. All Derek wanted was to collapse onto his bed, but he caught Dex’s eye in the locker room, who slightly tilted his head, a silent question. Derek smiled softly and stretched.

“Chow, you up for ordering crappy take-out and some Frog bonding in our room?”

Chowder’s smile could light up the entire world. If it were possible to gain power from smiles and happiness - kinda like in _Monsters Inc._ \- then Chowder would be able to provide energy and electricity for all of the US.

“Yes! I’m voting for the really good Japanese place.”

“We can do rice and fish, that’s healthy,” Derek nodded.

They took their time showering, Derek already ordering because he knew the food always took a while to be delivered. Halfway home, he got a text from Bitty that he’d put his new letter on the kitchen counter. Derek grabbed it, thanking Bitty and saying his Hello to Jack through Skype before he headed to their room. Chowder and Dex had already constructed a blanket-pillow-nest on the floor, as the bunk bed was way too small to fit three hockey players comfortably.

“That a new love letter?” Chowder asked when Derek threw the envelope onto the bed to untie his shoes.

“Yeah, but I think I’ll leave it for tomorrow. With the roadie, I doubt I’ll get a letter tomorrow, but this way I’ve got one to read.”

Chowder hummed thoughtfully and snuggled closer to Dex. “We chose a movie already, that okay?”

“Sure. Let me just change into sweatpants and I’ll be right with you.”

He levelled Dex with a look, silently asking if he’d tell Chowder while Derek was gone. But Dex only smiled softly, rested his chin on top of Chowder’s head and said: “we’ll wait for you.”

When Derek got back, he planted himself on Dex’s other side and stretched out.

“Hey! Your fat ass takes up too much space.” Dex complained.

“Excuse me, I have a bubble butt! You better appreciate it, I worked hard for it. It’s a nice butt.”

“It is a nice butt,” Chowder confirmed.

“It’s an annoying butt that’s always stealing room on the bed,” Dex grumbled. But there was a smile to his voice, something Derek could hear by now without having to see it. “But… it’s a nice butt,” Dex relented.

“Ha!” Derek pumped a fist in the air, grinning broadly.

“I’ll wipe that fucking grin off your face faster than you’ll know. We’re watching _Kill Your Darlings_.”

“Oh… well that’s a cheery movie,” Derek huffed.

“Bisexual protagonist,” Dex shrugged his shoulders. “I felt like I need to get over myself and maybe start watching movies with characters of the same sexuality as me to just… stop my fucking mind from saying nasty shit at myself all the time. Though Dane DeHaan isn’t attractive to me in the slightest.”

“No?” Chowder asked. “Not your type of guy?”

“Don’t have a type of guy because I used to be too homophobic to understand what was happening.”

Chowder hummed thoughtfully. “Well, Samwell. One in four, maybe more, and here’s the three of us, upping that quota. Bitty knows.”

Dex nodded softly. “Jack knows, Bitty doesn’t.”

Derek laughed. “Okay, wow, so everyone knows about me.”

“I’ll tell Bitty after Valentine’s Day,” Dex said softly. “He should know. And I want to apologise again for how I treated him and for how reserved I was about… about a gay guy on my team. Wait. Chow, do I have to say the whole ‘thank you for trusting me with it’ speech Shitty gave us?”

“Do I have to give it to you?”

“Oh please don’t! Nursey wasn’t allowed to recite it, either.”

Chowder smiled softly. “Good. We’ll agree that we’re both thankful for trusting each other.”

“Does Dex’s no chirping about crushes rule apply to you, too?”

“Well, I’m in a very happy and very committed relationship, so there will be no chirping material whatsoever.”

“And past crushes?”

“Nursey only wants to know if you had a crush on him before you got together with Cait,” Dex translated, rolling his eyes and nudging Derek softly.

“I actually didn’t. But on Bitty. Though, the first time I saw Bitty interact with Jack, I knew I had no chance. Bitty knows! So no chirping on that front.” He stuck out his tongue and happily snuggled closer to Dex.

“I am wounded!” Derek sighed dramatically and threw himself across his friends’ laps. “No pretty boy had a crush on me!”

Dex squeaked a little. “You think we’re pretty?”

“Duh, of course. I only have pretty friends, it’s a rule I’ve got.”

“Well, sorry to be your exception,” Dex mumbled.

“You shut your pie hole,” Chowder hushed him. “You’re a fucking hot hockey player. Anyone can be happy to have you.” He poked Dex’s cheek. “Nursey, back me up here!”

“Would it be okay?” Derek asked Dex. “Or does it make you feel uncomfortable?”

“Uhm… I think it would make me a little uncomfortable. I’m sorry. Chow, you did nothing wrong. Thank you. But… I’m just… not there. I’m sorry, really, I’m…”

“It’s okay.” Derek squeezed his hand softly while Chowder hugged him tight.

“Yeah, it’s all good. Instead, I can tell Nursey how pretty he is.”

Dex laughed softly. “I think Nursey already has a someone who tells him that. Sure you wanna wait with that letter?”

Derek hummed and then twisted around to grab it. “Alright, here goes nothing or everything, whatever. So… dear Derek,

_I want a hero: an uncommon want,_

_When every year and month sends forth a new one,_

_Till, after cloying the gazettes with cant,_

_The age discovers he is not the true one. (Lord Byron)_

Yours truly xxx”

Chowder smiled. “That’s a nice poem. I’m not sure I understand the sentiment, though.”

“Byron was a poet of the Romantic. The Romantics were disappointed with the politics at that time, especially the outcome of the French Revolution. So they turned towards nature and their own selves. They became their own heroes instead of writing epics about politicians and ancient war soldiers.”

“So basically it’s saying: I want a damn hero because the ones society keeps praising are shit,” Dex summarised.

“Exactly!” Derek beamed at him. “Isn’t that just so cool?”

Dex hummed softly and indulged him with a gentle smile. It was unfair, really, how pretty Dex’s smile was when it was unguarded, when he was chill and let go. And now, with the knowledge of Dex being bisexual… well, he was suddenly an option - but was he really? He wasn’t comfortable in his sexuality and Derek did not want to be a secret, not ever again. It had been incredibly hurtful. Dex was just a cute face, a cute butt - a friend too good to be risked over a dumb crush.

Nah.

Derek was pretty certain that it would go away soon. It was just cause Dex was an option, nothing more. If Chowder weren’t in a relationship, he’d look at him differently for a day or two as well. It was normal and Derek knew this reaction just too well. He’d had a crush on Bitty, on Jack, on Lardo - it was nothing unusual.

The morning of the roadie, a letter was stuck to their team bus. The coach handed it to Derek wordlessly and ushered them all onto the warm bus, out of the freezing cold of early February. Chowder had brought blankets and snuggled up with Dex and Derek at the back of the bus. Before them, Tango turned around once everyone was seated.

“Can you read the letter?”

“I need to nap first,” he groaned and snuggled closer to Dex’s warm back, head pillowed between his shoulders.

“But after the nap?”

“Yeah. After the nap, I promise.”

“I wanna hear it, too,” Chowder yawned. “Please?”

Derek groaned but relented. He unfolded the letter, cheek still smushed to Dex’s body.

“Dear Derek,

_Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?_

_I’d rather not, because you’re more fall than heat._

_You’re a leaf drifting silently on the water in Hudson Bay._

_you’ve got a smile so wide not even the sun can beat,_

_Shall I compare thee to a fall’s night?_

_Dark, desperate, eyes twinkling like a thousand stars._

_It might even turn out to be alright,_

_it might even heal our scars._

_There’s always a price to be paid,_

_isn’t that’s what they say about art?_

_It’s a cliche but your eyes are made of jade,_

_staring deeply into my heart._

_Keep on going, keep on living,_

_keep on being you, keep on forgiving._

Your secret Valentine, who cannot rhyme in iambic pentameter.”

“Awwww, that is so cute!” Chowder cooed.

“Is that the rhyme scheme of a Shakespearean sonnet?” Tango asked.

Derek nodded. “Yeah, it’s… really cool. It’s not very deep or anything but they clearly put thought into it and I admire that a lot. It’s… I’m really touched? Just because we’re all theatre people doesn’t mean we all like to write poems.”

“So you know who it is, then?” Tango scooted a little closer, eager to learn more.

“No, but I suspect that it’s someone from Ford’s theatre group. I’m part of it, I spend a lot of time with them, so that’s why they know me well. It can only be them or Dex or Chowder.”

Tango snickered. “But Chowder has Cait.”

“Damn right I do,” Chowder smiled. “I suspect the theatre kids as well. The poems are too obscure, the reference to the arts in the poem too obvious. Well, Kegster tomorrow. We’re hoping they’ll be there to reveal themselves.”

“That would be really cool. I’m worried about the organisation, with the roadie. Whiskey and I were talking about it. Bitty said Jack still has a key. He, Shitty and Lardo are gonna set everything up for us. That’s so kind!”

“It really is,” Derek smiled. “I’m gonna go nap now. Goodnight, cruel world.” He tugged one of Chowder’s blankets higher and snuggled against Dex, who only grunted in response and hit him lightly but without malice.

Chowder and Tango kept chatting, but their voices soon drifted to somewhere far away. With his feet in Chowder’s lap and tucked close to Dex, Derek slept through until their first stop. He was bleary-eyed and sleep-slow when Dex pressed a shitty petrol station coffee into his hand and gently patted his cheek. Derek only answered with a groan and draped himself over Chowder, who happily sipped on his hot cocoa. Next to them, Bitty was leaning against Dex, drinking his own coffee.

“Jack texted. He picked up Shitty and Lardo, they’ll be at the Haus in an hour. I can’t answer yet,” he groaned but immediately texted away on his phone.

“Hey, Bitty?” Dex gently nudged him.

“Hm?” Bitty looked up and stifled a yawn.

Derek shot Dex an encouraging smile as his friend looked at him and Chowder with uncertainty.

“I just wanted to tell you I’m bi and Jack knows. Please don’t tell Shitty that I didn’t allow those two idiots to give me his acceptance speech. I’m still very… uhm… I’m struggling, I don’t deserve…”

“You shut your mouth now,” Chowder complained. “You deserve our acceptance, even if you’re struggling, even if you don’t accept yourself yet. As soon as you have, you can come gossip about boys and girls with me. Though Cait will always win, of course.”

“Chowder’s right, I raised him well,” Bitty smiled. “Thank you, still. Same offer from me, of course. We can bake pie and rate the hottest NHL players.”

Dex laughed softly. “Jack is gonna be on top of your list anyway.”

Bitty beamed brightly and happily sipped his coffee. Derek winked as Dex caught his eye, making him blush softly. The rest of their roadie was spent comparing notes on the opposing team, talking strategies once more. After an eight hour bus ride, a game with more checks than Derek could count, Tango with a split lip and Bitty swearing like a sailor, Derek only wanted to sleep. As soon as he, Dex and Chowder reached their bedroom, Derek let himself fall onto the bed. Dex went straight into the bathroom to get ready for the night, Chowder phoned Cait while lying next to Nursey. It was a short call and soon enough Chow was facing Derek.

“Hey,” Chowder smiled.

“Hey. What’s up?”

“You think Dex is okay?”

“I think he will be okay. He’s got us and Bitty.”

“He really does. We’re there for him. Frog pile tonight?”

“Yeah. Do you think I’m losing my head over the letters?”

Chowder hummed thoughtfully. “I think whoever is writing them really likes you but I’m afraid that both of you have constructed an image of each other which might not hold up. So I hope they reveal themselves tomorrow evening and that they’re just as great as their letters promise.”

“I’m a little worried about that, too,” Derek sighed. “I’ll know by Valentine’s Day.”

“Which is your birthday!”

“I know! I’m looking forward to the team breakfast and to skyping my mums.”

“Say hi to them from me?”

“Of course I will. Dex is probably gonna spend Easter at my place. I already asked Mama but I want to talk it through with them before telling Dex about it.”

“He’d like that.” Chowder yawned and groaned, burrowing his face in the pillow. “Too lazy to brush my teeth.”

“Nope, we’ll brush our teeth and pee and then fucking sleep cause our alarm is set for 6am.”

Chowder groaned again and faced the door when it opened. “Dex, frog pile?”

Dex rubbed his eyes, looked from the single bed towards the double and nodded. “Yeah, frog pile.” He squeezed in next to Chowder and curled up around the pillow in his arms.

Derek and Chris got ready for bed quickly and joined Dex again. It was nice, comfortable. Roadies were fun and Derek simply loved sharing the bed with his two best friends, even if it meant less space for himself. It was simply worth it. He’d grown used to Dex’s snoring by now anyway, could barely sleep without it. Back when he’d dated Oliver after just a month of sharing the room with Dex, it had been odd to stay at his boyfriend’s place without the constant reminder of Dex in his room. In the end, they’d dated for less than two months - Oliver and him simply hadn’t clicked. Oliver’d been a crush and Derek knew he was ready for something more serious. Maybe the mysterious letter-writer would prove to be that something - someone. But, much to his dismay, there was no letter when they got back to the Haus the next day. Possibly because they had the party later that day, Chowder tried to console him. Somehow, Chowder was convinced the mystery writer would step up during their Kegster.

As he’d promised Bitty, Nursey was mostly hanging out in the kitchen, staying as sober as possible. He’d had only one cup of tub juice and two bottles of beer. He wasn’t even close to his usual Kegster-drunk, yet Dex still hovered around him, fulfilling his Nursey Patrol duty. Derek suspected he only wanted to one-up Chowder and be the first one to congratulate Nursey on his birthday. Shortly before midnight, Chowder and Cait wandered it, wearing matching smiles with Chowder sporting what looked like a pretty fresh hickey on his neck.

“We found a letter!” Cait handed him the envelope.

“It was tucked between the door and the wall. We found it,” Chowder giggled, swaying lightly.

Cait immediately wrapped her arms around him and kissed his cheek. “Chris said you’re getting love letters! That’s so cute! I wish someone would write me a love letter.”

“I’ll get you one,” Chowder promised.

“You already gave me an orgasm tonight, a letter would be the cherry on top.”

“Oh my God,” Dex laughed. “This is chirping material we can use! Also: Fine!”

Chowder, red as a tomato, grumbled something about his friends being mean. To deflect, he pointed at the letter in Derek’s hand. “Read.”

“Chill, C.” Derek rolled his eyes and unfolded the letter. “Dear Derek, I am not who you think me to be nor who you want me to be. But if you’re curious: Annie’s on the 15th, 10:30am. Your secret Valentine.” Derek furrowed his brows. “That sounds… a little weird? Not who I want them to be? But I guess I got a date, then! I wonder why they didn’t suggest tomorrow? Actual Valentine’s Day?”

“Maybe they’re at the Kegster and will be hungover. Or they know it’s your birthday,” Dex suggested before taking a swig of his beer. “Doesn’t it worry you that they phrase the letter like that? Like, they clearly know you so they assume they’re not who you’d be into?”

“Nonsense. They probably have a bad self-esteem, which is totally fine. We can work with that. I’m sure they’re someone from the theatre group and they’re all fantastic people. Hmm… if I were to hope for someone, it would be either Laurel or Deborah or Kit or… or Sam. Sam’s really cool and badass. I’d be honoured if it were one of them. I can’t wait to meet them!”

“Meet whom?” Bitty asked as he entered the kitchen, Jack in tow.

As soon as Jack had closed the kitchen door, he slung his arm around his slightly swaying boyfriend.

“Mystery letter writer set up a date,” Derek smiled.

“Oh, congrats, honey!” Bitty peeled himself off Jack and hugged Derek tightly.

“Thank you! Fingers crossed it’ll go over well.”

“Oh, hush you! Of course it will!” He beamed up at Derek, flush high on his skin. Bitty squeezed his hand and let go again to turn to the fridge. “Pie! You need birthday pie!”

Dex grinned and threw his arm around Derek’s shoulder. “It’s midnight now, but the kitchen clock is a few minutes wrong,” he whispered close to Nursey’s ear. “Happy birthday, Derek.”

Derek pressed a little closer to Dex, a dumb warmth forming in his body at the closeness and his name on Dex’s tongue. Chowder hugged the two of them, kissing Derek’s cheek.

“Happy Birthday!! I’m so proud of you! And I love you so much!”

“Thanks, C. I love you, too.” He dropped a kiss to Chowder’s forehead, accepting Cait into the cuddle pile as well.

“Happy birthday from me as well!”

“Alright you, let go off him so I can get a hug, too,” Bitty smiled. He wrapped Derek into another tight hug. “All the best for you, sweetheart.”

One after the other, his teammates - former and current - filed into the kitchen. After a heartfelt rendition of _Happy Birthday_ from Shitty, Derek was finally free to blow out the candles someone had stuck into Bitty’s two birthday pies. He closed his eyes, not quite certain what he should wish for. Maybe just for happiness. That was never wrong. His mums texted him a video, which he filed away for later. His dad texted a birthday greeting as well, followed by an excited voice message of his little twin siblings, who had been allowed to record the message before going to bed.

“Look at you, all smiley,” Dex grinned, poking his cheek softly. There was a slight lull in his voice, a clear indication that Dex was probably on his way to being drunk.

“It’s the babies, they’re just adorable.”

Dex nodded wistfully. “Yeah, my little sister is super cute, too. Babies, dude.”

“So chill,” Derek replied, not quite knowing what he actually meant by that.

“Guys!” Chowder yelled from the door. “I acquired more drinks!”

He sat down at the kitchen table with them, putting the bottle of tequila in the middle before grabbing a fork and eating some pie straight from the presentation plate. Next to Dex, Bitty sighed, but a kiss from Jack to his temple quickly put a serene expression back onto his face.

That’s what I want, Derek thought, that love, just like his mums had it. Pure and gorgeous and _found_.

Twenty minutes later, Derek was close to being shitfaced, with a drunk Dex hanging off his back.

“Let’s dance!” Dex unnecessarily yelled into his ear. “I wanna dance!”

“Then go dance!” Derek laughed.

“Noooooo, I want to dance with you!” Dex grabbed his hand and dragged him onto the makeshift dance floor, away from the wall and the stairs to their bedroom. They both weren’t graceful dancers, not at all. Nursey was clumsy at best and Dex danced… very white. But it didn’t matter, none of it did, not with the alcohol buzzing in his veins, not with Dex so close, not with Dex’s hand on Derek’s neck. He wouldn’t protest if this was a way for Dex to get more comfortable with his sexuality. Being close to male friends might help, but cuddling was still something entirely different than dancing to Troye Sivan together.

“I love that song!” Dex yelled, whooping. “Jack said Troye and Beyoncé always help Bitty so I tried and it’s good! It’s nice!”

Derek laughed loudly and pulled Dex closer. “William Poindexter, look at you dancing to gay songs! Who would’ve thought.”

“Probably the guy who spit in my mouth and called me a faggot after kissing me,” Dex shrugged his shoulders and beamed at Derek. “I’m still doing Nursey Patrol, right?”

Derek decided to ignore the first statement, being too drunk to find a proper response and not wanting that smile to vanish from Dex’s lips.

”Uhm… well, you’re with me making sure I’m not doing anything dumb! So yeah!”

“Wanna do something dumb?” Dex leaned closer and snorted against Derek’s neck after he’d dropped his head onto Derek’s shoulder.

Dex couldn’t be proposing what Derek thought he was… right? Kissing? Maybe? Derek was drunk enough to indulge him but still sober enough to know it would ruin them, which in turn would lead to Chowder being very unhappy which in turn would lead to Bitty murdering both of them for making C upset over his two best friends again.

“What are you suggesting?” Derek still asked, holding onto Dex.

“Let’s wrap the LAX bros’ house in toilet paper!”

“Good idea! But it’s raining outside,” Derek whined. “I don’t wanna go out in the rain.”

“Bummer,” Dex sighed. “Then we should just go to sleep.”

Derek giggled and nodded. “But.”

“But? Butt butt?”

“Oh my God, no, no more butt talk! I just… couldn’t find the stairs.”

“Uhm…” Dex let go off him and turned around in a slow circle.

Derek furrowed his brows but turned around as well. “All I achieved now is that I feel dizzy. Oh, there’s Chowder! C! We can’t find the stairs!”

Chowder made his way over to them and gasped. “The stairs! Okay, let me direct you.” He took their hands and gently led them to the stairs. “Nurse, did you have a good birthday party?”

“Hmh, I did. Dex and I danced and I had pie and got hugs and a nice letter and a date and it was nice I just wish we could have a frog sleepover but it’s V-Day so I’m sure you and Cait have V-related stuff to do okay I will talk less now good night sweet world.”

“Good night, my sweet prince,” Dex sighed. “That’s Hamlet, innit?”

“Yeah! Hamlet! He says it cause he’s bi! No wait! He’s dying! Horatio says it! As he’s dying! It’s so romantic cause it was an euphemism for, like, homosexual lovers!” Derek was yelling by now, but he really didn’t care.

“Dying declaration of love?” Chowder guessed. “I think you wrote a paper about that once? Like, with Éponine and Marius, and Horatio and Hamlet, and… who was the third couple?”

“Leia and Han,” Dex slurred.

“They’re top-notch romance,” Derek sighed. “There’s the stairs! Thanks, C. We can handle it from here.” He hugged his friend tight and kissed his forehead before stumbling up the stairs.

Derek toed out of his shoes, giggling softly. He sat down on the floor, soon joined by Dex.

“I’m tired,” Dex mumbled. “Can we sleep on the floor?”

“Nah, too harsh. We can share my bunk?”

“Sounds good.” Dex struggled out of his jumper and his jeans, groaning when he realised that he was still wearing his shoes.

Derek helped him take them off before he himself got rid of most of his clothes. With a deep sigh, he fell onto the bed and curled up close to the wall, watching Dex brush his teeth in the bathroom. By the time Dex joined him in bed, he was nearly asleep. In fact, he might’ve been asleep already, because there was no way Dex was kissing his forehead so gently.

Derek awoke with a start when his phone started buzzing repeatedly right underneath his cheek. Yes. Right. He hadn’t plugged it in last night, just taken it to bed. He groaned and was just about to answer when the buzzing stopped. Defeated, Derek snuggled into his pillow again. Next to him, Dex stirred, nearly elbowing Nursey in the face. His friend was half draped over him, legs tangled and yet Dex was still nearly falling out of bed. These things really weren’t made for two athletes to fall asleep on.

“Awake?” Dex asked in a hushed voice.

“Barley,” Derek answered. “Bit hungover but not too bad. Shower, breakfast, water - I’ll be good as new.”

“Sounds heavenly,” Dex sighed. “Wanna wake up slowly? I promised you pics of my baby sibling and baby cousins last night. We can go through them together while waking up?”

“Yeah.”

Dex shifted closer, pressing Derek more against the wall to lay securely on the bed before he handed over his phone.

“My Facebook has my family connections, so just click through them all. My older cousins and some aunts upload a ton of photos of their kids. Just ask if you have questions.”

Derek hummed in acknowledgement and clicked through the photos slowly. First, Dex’s parents. The ears were definitely a maternal family trait. Then, the older siblings. Dex’s oldest brother and his wife had two kids already, the second oldest brother’s wife was apparently pregnant at the moment.

“When’s the baby due?”

“Mid-April. A boy. We have lots of boys in our family. Three older brothers on my side, George has two boys, Dad has two brothers who have three sons and one daughter in total. Mum’s got a sister we don’t talk to and a brother we do talk to. He’s got two boys and a girl. Aunt Sheila and her wife have a daughter. But you won’t find her on my Facebook family relation page. She’s… well you know how in _Harry Potter_ Sirius and Andromeda get burned off the tapestry? Kinda the same here. Aunt Sheila vanished suddenly when I was eleven. I asked Mum where she was at the next Christmas party and her answer was that Aunt Sheila had decided to bring shame on our family, on our God and our pride, that she was no longer a part of the Poindexters clan. For the longest time, I thought she’d gone to jail. Turns out she’s just gay. I contacted her at the start of this semester. We’re slowly building up a relationship again. I don’t think she trusts me yet, but she also doesn’t know I’m… not straight.”

Derek nodded. “Lots of information. Sorry about your aunt. I’m glad you found her again. Also, the baby photo of your sister with the yellow bow? Adorable. Look at you, holding her like she’s gonna break any second now. Aw, you were so young.”

“I was eight when she was born and so nervous! Everyone’s always told me that girls are delicate, so I was scared of breaking her. I’d only ever held footballs and she was a lot warmer and more wriggly than a football.”

“More wriggly,” Derek grinned. “Thank you. For, like, trusting me with this shit. And… and the stuff you said yesterday, about that guy…”

“See it as your birthday present. Cause I gotta wait for C to give yours to you. Care for coffee? I’ll even bring it to bed.”

“How romantic.”

“It is Valentine’s Day after all.”

“I won’t say no to coffee.”

Dex gently nudged the phone in Derek’s hand. “Keep having a look through it. I’m allowing it.”

With that, he got up, stretched - unfair, he was only wearing shorts and they’d forgotten to close the blinds last night, so the early morning sunshine caught Dex’s skin and _those fucking freckles_ beautifully - and made his way downstairs. Derek knew he had a dumb smile on his face. It felt as good as it felt bad. The traitorous part of his brain told him that there were signs. So many signs. Maybe Dex liked him back. Maybe, to begin with, he liked Dex a lot more than he allowed himself to admit. But he also felt slightly guilty. In a way, it felt like cheating on his secret Valentine. Then again, Dex was a fucked up college dream caused by their proximity and chemistry. Mystery Valentine was a serious option.

Derek tapped away on Dex’s Facebook, looking through his relatives and the adorable kids, coming across some pretty racist, sexist and homophobic shit on his brother’s feed - his heart leap a bit as he saw the _Shut the fuck up_ Dex had posted underneath. How had he not seen that? Oh right. Cause he barely ever used his Facebook and if he did, he only did it to say he’d attend the upcoming poetry slam or something like that. He preferred Instagram.

“One coffee, black as your soul,” Dex announced once he was back. “I texted Chowder, he said he’ll join us at team breakfast. No one is up yet. Well, no one is in the kitchen except some miracle pies. And I’m pretty sure Cait is awake, judging by the noises coming from…”

“I’m gonna stop you right there.” Derek pulled a face. “No need to know even more about their sex life, dude.”

Dex snorted and sat down next to Derek. “Snooped out my family?”

“Yup. Your brother’s a dick.”

“George? Yeah, he’s… a handful.”

“Are you all named after British kings?”

“Uhm… George, Henry, Edward, William, Elizabeth… pretty much. We all have middle names starting with a J.”

Derek gasped. “Are you all called James? Cause of King James…”

“Henry is called James. Elizabeth is actually Elizabeth Mary-Jane. We call her EmJ. Like MJ from Spiderman?”

“Elizabeth Mary-Jane Poindexter. She needs to know nearly the entire alphabet to write her full name. Did she see the new movie?”

Dex shook his head. “No one would take her cause MJ is black. So I’m gonna buy the DVD and watch it with her over summer when everyone else is out of the house. I don’t want her to end up like me. She loves MJ and Annie cause they both have red hair. I watched the new _Annie_ over Christmas with her and she adored it.”

Derek smiled softly. “Sooo… you’re gonna tell me your middle name then? One of you has to be a Jacob!”

Dex rolled his eyes. “George Jacob, Henry James…”

“Yes, shit, wait a second. Henry James. _What Maisie Knew_ . I read that book in my adaptation course last semester. _Turn Of The Screw!_ He wrote that one as well!”

“Be rest assured that he never, ever heard a comparison to the author,” Dex bit out. “Glad you got excited about my brother’s name?”

“Yeah, sorry, carry on. George Jacob, Henry James…?”

“Edward Jefferson, William Joseph. There. That’s enough of a birthday present. Coffee and my middle name. I’m gonna text Chow and tell him we won’t give you your actual present,” Dex huffed.

“William Joseph,” Derek mulled the words over. “William. Joseph. Poindexter. See, here’s the reason we can’t marry: it would sound fucking dumb. William Joseph Nurse? Nope, not doing that, sounds shit. Derek Malik Poindexter? As if your family would allow me to take your last name. Plus, sounds shit as well.”

“So we just hyphen,” Dex shrugged his shoulders. “My name is long as fuck anyway. William Joseph Poindexter-Nurse.”

“Name blending?” Derek suggested. “Derek Malik Poinurse. Nursexter?”

Dex laughed and shook his head lightly. “Yeah, we’ll go with Nursexter. Let’s announce our apparent marriage to the group chat and break them before team breakfast.”

Derek joined in with his laughter and grabbed his phone. Before he sent off the message, he stopped short. “Are you… like, are you fine with it?”

“Nursey. Chill.”

At that, Derek only laughed more, sending off _Dex and I agreed that we’ll blend our names upon marriage. I may present: Derek Malik and William Joseph Nursexter._ For good measure, he added a photo from last night’s Kegster, Derek wearing heart-shaped sunglasses while Dex had heart stickers stuck on his face. He’d cropped out Chowder making a heart with his hands for the purpose of using it as their fake engagement photo. Maybe he’d get it printed and stick it in his scrapbook for the year. With Chowder, of course. They were a trio and he loved the photo as a whole.

“We don’t have any selfies of just us two. We both got some with only Chow but not just us,” Derek wondered out loud.

“No, that’s true. But I’m sure Chowder has some from roadies, us sleeping on the bus next to each other.”

He’d need to get ahold of those for sure.

“Downstairs?”

“Yeah.” Derek got up and stretched properly until he felt nice and loose.

He pulled over his Samwell hoodie and followed Dex downstairs. As soon as he entered the kitchen, Chowder wrapped him into a hug.

“Happy Birthday again!”

“Aw, thank you, C.” Derek hugged him back tightly.

“Bitty left but he made more pie.”

“Yeah, Dex said as much. That’s totally okay, I know he and Jack want to spend Valentine’s Day together alone.” He squeezed Chowder once more before letting go off him. “And you’re welcome to leave as well. You and Cait.” He nodded at Cait, who beamed at him.

“Later,” Chowder nodded, “I told you the plan. It’s gonna be a small team breakfast, though, I’m afraid. Tango and Whiskey are both gone, but Shitty is on a coffee run with Lardo.”

“Hey, it’s all good. I got the most important people here, don’t I?” He winked at Chowder.

As soon as Shitty and Lardo were back with good coffee and more bagels than anyone could eat, they sat down for their small team breakfast. Shitty and Lardo would head off just after breakfast, leaving the Frogs and Cait, though Chowder and Cait would be gone soon, too. It was nice to have Lardo back, if only for a little while. She gifted him with a painting of hers, which Derek knew he’d put up in their room no matter what Dex would say. When he pitched the idea, Dex just shrugged his shoulders from where he was doing the dishes. That settled it, then. Shitty gave him… well, lots of condoms, lube, a hug and a kiss, and a beautiful new book for his poetry. The rest of the team had left their presents in the kitchen but Derek wanted to wait until everyone had left to open them. That way he wouldn’t feel as alone - he hoped.

“Now for our present!” Chowder was practically vibrating in his seat. “We worked on it for a long time. It was Dex’s idea, he did most of the work cause he’s faster but we chose everything together, colours and stuff. And since he did most work, Cait and I got you something, too.” He pushed a carefully wrapped present towards him.

“Thank you, it really wasn’t necessary,” Derek smiled but Chowder only rolled his eyes, so he unwrapped the present: a new beanie in Samwell red with their hockey team’s logo stitched onto the front as well as a photo of the Frogs.

“You guys, I love it. Thank you!” He pulled the beanie on. “How does it look?”

“Perfect,” Cait smiled. “Happy birthday, again.”

“Ready for part two and the only thing I’ve got for you?” Dex asked.

“Ready as can be.”

Dex placed his laptop on the table, turned it towards Derek and stood next to him. “This is your website, _dereknursepoetry.com_. A professional one, to store all your poetry. We took the liberty of filling it with some content already. You’ve got landing pages for your favourite poets - we did Keats, Kay and Shakespeare - and here’s your blog for, like, rambling and shit. You’ve also got a random poem button so people can find a random poem of yours. Chow and I coded it all ourselves, so we know the website inside out in case you wanna change anything. We went with a dark green theme for now but it’s easily adjustable.”

“This… you did this?”

“Yeah. We also added wrote the poetry slam you always join,” Chowder chimed in, “and they’ve got your blog on their website now.”

Dex switched tabs to point to the _Regulars We Love_ section on the club’s website.

“You guys…” Derek swallowed thickly. “I have no idea what to say, this is just… incredible. Thank you so much.”

“It was nothing, really,” Dex mumbled, blushing furiously.

Chowder pulled both of them into a bone-crushing hug. “I love you guys so much.”

“I do, too, C, I do, too,” Derek whispered, trying not to choke up with emotions.

“Yeah, I guess…” Dex laughed softly, actually dropping kisses to both their cheeks. “If you want to, I can tell you how to operate the website when we’re alone later.”

“I’d love that.” Derek smiled and hugged them all once more.

After an hour, everyone but Dex had left, telling him over and over again how sorry they were. That’s just how things went when your birthday was on Valentine’s Day, Derek was used to it. So he wasn’t mad or upset or disappointed or surprised.

“You got a letter from your mystery Valentine,” Dex’s voice dragged him out of his thoughts.

“Oh.” Derek nodded and took the letter.

“Do you want some alone-time? Maybe skype your mums? The babies?”

“I’m skyping my mums at 2 and Dad doesn’t have time today to skype. I don’t need alone-time, unless you wanna head off, that’s totally okay.”

Dex rolled his eyes. “Open the damn letter, I’m making more coffee.”

Derek unfolded it and leaned back in his chair. “Dear Derek, I wanted to send you some Christopher Marlowe quotes today, as a birthday gift. But I couldn’t decide. There’s _“Why should you love him whom the world hates so? Because he loves me more than all the world.”_ which is a quote close to my heart but _“It lies not in our power to love or hate, For will in us is overruled by fate.”_  also struck a chord with me. I’ll let you decide and maybe one day you’ll tell me. Until then, your secret Valentine.”

“And?” Dex prompted, handing him his cup of coffee.

“Kit Marlowe quotes,” Derek smiled. “That’s pretty cool.”

“So you’re still excited to meet them tomorrow?”

“Yeah, I am. I think it’s gonna be great! We seem to be on pretty much the same wavelength, so I just really wanna talk to them about poetry and theatre and cool music! Can you imagine? I can already see us up in the reading room, staring at the stars while we quote our favourite poems at each other or discuss a book we read or just… just enjoy each other with soft music in the background.” He sighed softly and pressed the letter to his chest. “Doesn’t that sound heavenly?”

“Sounds right up your alley,” Dex agreed. “Wanna watch a movie until you skype your mums?”

“Sure.” Derek got up from his seat, taking his coffee mug with him.

They spent the rest of the day alternating between playing video games against each other (heated discussions and chirps included), watching movies, setting up more of Derek’s new website and Derek skyping his mums as well as Jack and Bitty. Derek unpacked the rest of his friends’ presents and sent off Thank You text messages while Dex was handling the order of their pizza. All in all, it was a pretty good birthday. He was thankful for Dex staying by his side all day long, making him laugh or groan in frustration. It really didn’t matter, Derek was just… happy. Content. Settled in his own skin, with his own soul, despite the lack of friends around him on his birthday. He had Dex and that was enough sometimes.

At night, he turned the thoughts over in his head. Above him in the top bunk, Dex was probably asleep already, but Derek couldn’t turn off his mind quite yet. He was excited to meet his mystery Valentine, keen on being introduced to a person who seemed to understand him and his interests so well.

“God, I can fucking hear you thinking, Nurse,” Dex groaned into the darkness. “Spit it out or I’ll come down there and make sure I get a good night’s sleep myself.”

“Fuck you,” Derek spit back, but with no malice.

Soon enough, the bed above him creaked and Dex climbed down the ladder with his blanket. He threw it on the floor next to the bed and lay onto it. “Spill it or so fucking help me.”

“I’m worried about tomorrow,” Derek confessed. “What if they’re not who I think they are? I got like two possible people in my mind cause… Marlowe and Furman? Too weird to be a coincidence. It must be one of them. But… what if one shows up and I get disappointed because something inside of me wanted the other? What if it’s neither? I just… I’m worried I’ve made up an image of them in my mind which cannot measure up to reality.”

“I’m sure it’s all gonna work out. Whatever happens tomorrow is supposed to happen. You’ll be fine. Maybe it’s not gonna be like you imagined but so what? You’re a poet. You start from scratch all the time. You pour out the words and refine them. You work on something that’s important to you. So if… if that person doesn’t turn out to be who you think they are, who you expect them to be, maybe that’s not so bad. Maybe they’ve made up an image of you in their mind as well. If they’re really from the theatre group then they haven’t know you for all that long. They might not know all your sides yet, all the different angles. They probably don’t know about the viciousness you can show, all your sharp edges and the punches you throw. They might just see a soft poet. So what? You can work on that shit together. You can grow together.”

Derek hummed softly, letting the words wash over him. When the fuck did Will get so insightful? And when the fuck did Dex turn into Will? Fuck this.

“And if they want to hide? If they’re not out.”

“I’m not out. Only to the team. Well, to a few people on the team. Would you tell me that I had to come out to be in a relationship with someone? Jack isn’t out. Bitty isn’t out, not to his family. They make it work. I guess I kinda understand that you don’t wanna be a secret? Would suck, dude. But, like, isn’t there always gonna be a solution? If Jack, a fucking pro NHL player, can manage to have a boyfriend and be happy and be closeted, then you can, too. And… if it bothers you too much, don’t date them.”

Turning onto his stomach, Derek gazed down at Will, face soft in the pale moonlight shining in through the curtains. “Thank you. I… you’re much more than you give yourself credit for.”

“Don’t get sappy on me, Nurse,” he dismissed him. “You good to sleep now?”

“Might take me a while.”

Dex sighed dramatically and lifted his arm, wriggling his fingers. “Hold it.”

“Uhm…” Derek nodded and held onto Will’s hand, intertwining their fingers.

“Close your eyes, listen to my breathing and breathe with me.”

Derek complied, closing his eyes. He concentrated on the steady breath coming from Will. Soon enough, he could feel himself being pulled under. In a last effort to express his thanks, Derek squeezed Dex’s hand. After that, it was all darkness and a dreamless sleep, ending with his alarm blaring loudly and Will’s hand still in his.

He was a nervous mess the entire morning, asking Will for his opinions on his outfit before settling on something he felt confident and comfortable in. He was at Annie’s by 10:30am sharp. Derek settled at a table from where he could observe the entire café as much as possible. He smiled at everyone coming in, just in case it was the mystery Valentine. By 10:45am, he grew antsy, texting the Frog group chat that no one had turned up yet. By 10:56am, he was ready to give up, feeling incredibly defeated. Maybe they had only overslept and would explain it all in a later letter. Maybe they had simply decided that Derek wasn’t worth the effort. Maybe he’d been catfished all along.

By 11:00am, Dex walked in.

Derek exhaled softly, waving him over. “God, I’m so glad to see you. I think I got stood up and would you mind just sitting with me so I don’t look as pathetic? Did you come to check in on me? I know, I’ve been whining on the chat but like… yeah. Thanks for coming, man.”

“Sure.” Dex shrugged his shoulders.

“It’s chill.” Derek forced a smile and knew he didn’t succeed. “Tell me something dumb to cheer me up?”

“When I was 16 I could only play Ed Sheeran songs on the guitar cause I thought it was cool that he had red hair as well. That, and _Wonderwall_.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“Can’t prove it cause I don’t have a guitar. But I’m sure my brothers have some videos as blackmailing material. I could ask?” He whipped out his phone without waiting for Derek to give an answer. “Okay. Should appear soon. Fuck, that’s super embarrassing…”

“I didn’t ask you to do it,” Derek hissed, slightly irritated even though he wasn’t entirely sure why.

“Fuck you, too. I could just leave.”

“Do it, then. I don’t need you. You’re the one who followed me here, I didn’t ask you to come rescue me.”

Dex scoffed and got up. “If that’s how you wanna play it.” He tucked his phone away and left, leaving Derek to himself.

Great.

Just fucking fantastic.

First, he got stood up, then his best friend picked a fight with him - well, granted, Derek had started it.

Fuck that shit. Twice.

He lingered around for another few minutes, resigning himself to his fate, accepting that he’d made a fool out of himself. Heartbreak was a fuel, though, a fire he could use for his poetry. Nearly back at the Haus, he got a text from Chowder. Just a few question marks, then a new message with a Facebook link. It led him to one of Will’s brothers who had indeed posted an apparently secretly filmed video of Dex playing some Ed Sheeran song on the guitar, trying to sing along. Yeah, Will was not a good singer. Not at all. It felt like half the SMH team had already commented on it, especially since Henry had captioned it with _It’s not every day your brother allows you to post something this embarrassing. Guess he wants to get with a hot girl! Good Luck, Bro!!_

Derek smiled softly, knowing the real reason behind it. He liked the video, of course, but didn’t comment on it.

When he got to the Haus, he found a letter tucked between door and wall. Part of him wanted to throw it away, rip it to shreds and never think of it ever again. But he was curious. He took the letter up to the reading room, not wanting to confront Dex just yet. Would he have to apologise? Probably. It had been so good between them lately. More than good. Maybe the fucking letters had unlodged something in him and his feelings needed an outlet so he had projected fucked up romantic ideas onto Will.

Worst of it all: he had to tell everyone else about his failed fucking date. Great. Pity Party for Derek Nurse, just what he needed.

Climbing out onto the roof, Derek made himself as comfortable as possible before he unfolded the letter.

“Derek, I am incredibly sorry. I’m just not what you need and want and I know I should let you be the judge of that. It’s not fair of me to withhold the decision from you. But it’s for the best, I believe. I know. Fuck.”

Fuck indeed. He didn’t know if he wanted to punch something or cry or maybe both. Maybe he needed to write it out but… no. His head was empty of words and so full of them at the same time.

Skating.

Hockey always helped clear his head.

He scrambled down from the roof, cutting his hand a little in the process but it wasn’t anything to worry about. Without knocking, he burst into their room, fully prepared to ignore Dex only to find their room empty. Will’s bedding was still on the floor next to the bunk, a painful reminder of _everything._ Derek crumbled the letter up, threw it on his bed and grabbed his gear before storming out of the Haus. Methodologically, he got dressed, new beanie on his head as he left the changing rooms. Faber was open to the public, but he doubted many people would be around as Finals were still in full swing and every student - Derek included - should study for them. Instead, he was faced with an empty rink and a heart ready to overflow. But even after two hours of intense solo practice, Derek wasn’t feeling any better. In fact, he felt worse. Hungry, tired, exhausted, angry, disappointed. He was tightly wound and the feeling didn’t disappear over the next few days. A week later, he was still… well, he didn’t quite know what he was. His relationship with Dex had gone from fucking amazing to rocky-at-best, meaning the entire team was suffering thanks to their weird moods. They still aced it on the ice, though. Chowder had tried to talk to him a few times, but Derek had to understand his feelings for himself first.

“I just think, can’t help thinking,” he told Bitty nearly two weeks later, “what if it was just some racist asshole screwing with me? To humiliate me.”

“Honey.” Bitty furrowed his brows in worry. “The letters were too tailored to your person. They were clearly from someone who knows you, someone who likes you. A catfish wouldn’t go through so much trouble and neither would a bully. I think whoever it was just got cold feet and is regretting it now. You’re wonderful and I get that this must be so hard for your, sweetheart. But it’s gonna be fine. You’ve got us.”

Derek scoffed. “Not Dex anymore.”

“Yeah, what’s up with that?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “I yelled, he yelled, we both yelled and now it’s just… it feels broken. I miss him so fucking much.”

Bitty squeezed his arm gently. “It’s gonna be okay. You’re Nursey and Dex, you always figure it out, eh?”

“Eh?” Derek snorted. “Adopting Jack’s manners, I see.”

“Honey, that happens when you’re in love,” Bitty winked at him. “You’ll see, sooner or later.”

“I’ll get over it, I know.”

“You’re still allowed to hurt for however long you need to.”

“Thanks, Bits.”

“Anytime, petal.” With another squeeze, Bitty went back to his pie, humming under his breath.

Derek knew he had spaced out when he felt a hand on his shoulder, shaking him lightly. He snapped out of his thoughts, looking at Chowder with a confused look. “Uhmm…”

“It’s okay. I came in and you were staring at nothing. Happens a lot lately, with you and Dex…”

“I’m sorry, C. I promise we’ll fix it soon.”

“I trust you two to know yourselves but I’m so close to exploding.”

“I know, I… I just… I feel weird.”

“All good. Maybe this can help with the weird feeling?” He gently pushed an envelope over the table towards Derek. “Wanna read it in my room with me? We can take ice cream and curl up on my bed.”

“Not sure I wanna read it.”

“You do want to because you need closure.”

Derek sighed but nodded. He conceded, following Chowder and the ice cream upstairs to curl up with his head in Chowder’s lap. Chow was lightly playing with his hair, leaving Derek to decide what he wanted to do and how he wanted to proceed. If he even wanted to proceed with the letter. After a while, he got the pieces of paper - plural, there was more than just the single sheet - out of the envelope. He let his fingertips trace the now familiar handwriting, cursing softly under his breath. It took him another half an hour to finally start reading. Out loud, because it felt safer. That way, he wouldn’t be alone with the knowledge, with his thoughts. Chowder softly tugged his hair when he started reading, a silent acknowledgement and encouragement.

“ _Dear Derek, I like girls. They’re soft and warm and delicate - or so I was led to believe, so I had learned. I was 12 when a boy first kissed me, a friend of my brother, three years my senior. He spit in my mouth and forced me to swallow it, saying that only faggots and girls swallow. I was 13 when Eileen asked me out on a date. She was the prettiest girl in our class. When I arrived, her friends were there to make fun of me. I started dating Shirley but still looked at boys in a way I knew I shouldn’t. I told myself it was okay, I wasn’t gay, I had Shirley. I was 14 when I got my first handjob. Both first handjobs. Shirley’s hands were gentle and kind, uncertain. We laughed and kissed, no matter how awkward. His hands were rough. There was no kissing and I’m not a good person. It was thrilling, cheating on Shirley like that, tucked away behind the bleachers of the football stadium. Different boy than before, all sharp angles and hardness. When I wanted to return the favour, he pushed me away, telling me that faggots only took but never gave cause they were worthless pussies. So I promised myself that I’d never be soft again. That I’d always push, that I’d become hard and angry, like all the other boys. Like my brothers and their friends._ ”

Chowder made an upset sound at the back of his throat. “Is that…?”

“Fuck him,” Derek mumbled. “Is he home?”

“Yeah. What are you… Nursey, no!”

But Derek was already at the door, striding over to their shared bedroom. He threw the door open, making Dex jump up in surprise at the desk.

“The fuck is this?” Derek demanded, slamming the letter down in front of Dex. “Is this all some fucked up little game to you? Was it all fucking planned? Next thing I know is you’re telling me you made up being bi just so you can screw with my head!”

“What?” Dex got up from his chair and straightened out. “Did you fucking read the entire thing?”

“I don’t have to! I read enough of your bullshit and I had enough of your games! Was it at least fun? Did you enjoy it?”

“I got scared,” Will winced. “I… I didn’t know it would turn out like that.”

“I don’t want to hear your excuses. I don’t want to hear you anymore, at all. I don’t want to see you or breathe the same air as you.”

Dex’s face hardened. The first time in months, in a year that Derek had seen this gaze again. It shattered something within him, punching all the air out of his lungs.

“Guess that’s chill,” Dex mocked and grabbed his jacket before rushing past Chowder, who was clearly torn between what to do, which friend to go to.

The front door of the Haus slammed close and Chowder was still there. So Derek guessed he’d won - once again. Was this the Dip Flip all over, him getting something over Dex, Dex once more being second best? So what? See if he cared!

“Please finish the letter,” Chowder sighed. He sounded tired, defeated, and Derek guessed it was the least he could do for his friend.

“ _When I got to Samwell, I was lost and I didn’t understand. Bitty and you, so damn comfortable with your sexualities. It was wrong, some part of me still tells me it’s wrong to want it, to desire. To love, maybe, but desire? No, never. You were so radiant and I was so confused. You’re all sharp angles and soft edges. Fire in so many ways, so different than my fire._ ”

Derek pushed the letter away again. “I don’t want to read this. I don’t owe him anything. I don’t owe him an apology, I don’t owe him to read the letter.”

“You don’t. But I can’t go on like this, not again, not worse than before. I’ll let Dex know that he can crash at my place, I’m gonna stay with Cait for a while.”

“Chow…”

“No, Derek. I’m too tired.” Chowder gave him a wobbly smile and retreated back to his room, leaving Derek alone with his thoughts.

He grabbed his phone, unsure what to do with it. Text Dex? Text Ransom or Shitty or Lardo? He opened his messenger app, eyes automatically drawn to the last message Dex had sent him, nearly a week ago. It was a simple sorry after Derek had complained that Dex was still sat at the desk in their room with the lights on. He hadn’t yelled because they barely talked anymore.

In the end, he settled on texting Will, saying they needed to find a solution - for Chowder and the team. Dex came back just after Chowder had left. Luckily, everyone else had classes, so the team was yet unaware of the current state of affairs.

“I don’t understand why you did it,” Derek greeted him when he entered their room and closed the door.

“You would, had you read the letter.”

“Fuck you.”

Dex laughed shortly. “Yeah. Look, I need the hockey scholarship, can you please not ask the team to vote?”

“What?”

“On whom to keep. They’ll choose you but I really need the scholarship so I can’t quit the team.”

“Do you really think I would stoop that low?”

“You’re angry. People do dumb shit when they’re angry.”

“Not the team. They’d kick me off if I ever suggested something like that.”

He snorted. “No, they’d choose you. They always have. Ransom, Shitty, Lardo, Bitty, Chow - they all chose you over me. And I understand it. I get it. But I thought at least you… maybe you… but I walked in and you didn’t even… I wasn’t even an option. I know I was late. I was so scared cause you had created this fucking ideal in your mind and I should’ve known. I should’ve known, I should’ve stopped but it made you happy and I never wanted to stop that.”

“Bullshit. All just fucking excuses, you could’ve told me.”

“Yeah. After you waxed poetry about how amazing is gonna be to find your soulmate, a poet as well, someone who will analyse Gatsby with you late at night while counting stars or finding shapes in clouds.”

“So you faked it all and made me hope? Fucked up, dude.”

“It didn’t start out like that! I fully intended on telling you when I started! I wanted to do something nice, something that would make you smile, something… something special, something soft. I tried to allow myself to be soft for fucking once and look where that fucking got us. I never wanted to hurt you, not lately, not for a while now. We’ll talk to the team later and I’ll tell them I fucked up but I will ask them to keep me on the team. Maybe I could trade positions, be a second goalie. You could get a new d-man.”

“No.”

“No?”

“Where’d you even live if not here? You don’t have the money. You don’t have the time to work. I saw you sit at the desk for far longer than necessary.”

“That was just these two months, for your website. I can get a job.”

Derek took a deep breath. “Fuck. Fuck it all. Fuck this shit. I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts.”

Dex looked at him, dumbstruck. He rubbed at his eyes - Derek suspected Dex was just as close to crying as he himself was.

“I miss you, too,” Will whispered. “Fuck, I’ve never missed anyone this much - and we live together. I only wanted to make you happy.”

“Then why did you pretend?”

“I didn’t pretend. Everything I wrote, all the poems I chose, I did it because I liked it. Because I felt a connection. I did it for you because it made me feel closer to you and I wanted for you to feel that. I never meant for it to go so wrong. I can’t be who you want me to be and I can’t be that person you constructed from the letters. I’m only me.”

“Oh, Will.” Derek stepped closer, carefully. “We both fucked up, hm? I kept thinking that it would be nice if the two of us could just… but you’re so uncomfortable with your sexuality, I didn’t want to assume or pressure you. You were… a dream, but unreachable, indestructible. The person from the letters? Just as much of a dream but so much closer, so much more a possibility. You were never on the table but you were never off the table, either.”

“I wouldn’t want you to be my secret. I couldn’t do that to you. I’m just not…”

“You’re plenty. You’re soft and warm and harsh and fire and ashes and you’re a forest fire, a cool mountain on a rainy morning. You are you and I am me and somehow we fit together pretty well, don’t you think?”

“I’ll never love poetry as much as you do. I’ll never understand poetry or art.”

“I’ll never understand what’s so fascinating about boats or codes or computers. I’ll always break stuff and you’ll always have to fix it. I don’t need you to love poetry. I need you to try it once and you did. You picked what you liked and that’s more than I ever wanted.”

“You always have a First Aid Kit cause you know you always hurt yourself but you use it on me when I repair stuff and slip off. Sometimes, when you laugh, my heart wants to burst.”

Derek sniffled and quickly rubbed his eyes. “I like being soft with you.”

“I like allowing myself to be soft with you, even when the thoughts come back. You’re good at pushing them back,” Will smiled tentatively. “I want to kiss you,” he breathed, “like I’ve never wanted it before. But I’m so scared that there’s no coming back if I do. My family…”

“You’ve got us. The team. I know it’s not the same but… you got your aunt and her family. But I won’t push.” Derek smiled, sitting down on the bed.

He was suddenly very tired, the energy just leaving his body in heavy waves. Will hesitated but sat next to him. Not as close as they used to be, but not as far apart either.

“Sometimes, when I just am, I catch myself watching you. I catch myself falling slowly, wanting to keep falling and wanting to stop falling,” Dex mumbled.

Derek carefully lay his hand between them, palm turned up in an open invitation. He could see Dex struggling with himself before he took Derek’s hand.

“Will, there are a couple of ground rules if we wanna try this. First: I’m not going to be a secret. Not the way I used to once before. Not like Jack used to be before they came out to us. I don’t need the world to know, I just need my world to know.”

“That’s okay with me. I… I’d like to be able to do all the fucking dumb things I keep thinking. Like, when you sit at the kitchen table while Bitty and I bake, and you look so defeated cause you’re missing the words, I want to kiss the side of your head and… why am I starting to cry now?” He took a deep breath. “I want to kiss the side of your head and squeeze your hand and give you the first half of the first slice of pie. The second half is obviously for me.”

Derek laughed softly. “That would be a nice dumb thing to do.”

“And second?”

“Second: some goddamn fucking communication. If either of us had just said anything before…”

“I found out it’s easier for me to write it all down. I blame you, you know. I… I got the idea for the letters when I transferred some of your poems onto the website. I thought it was so nice, how the words wrapped around the emotions, how everything can be but doesn’t have to be.” He squeezed Derek’s hand softly. “What’s third?”

Derek turned fully towards Will and gently cupped his cheek with his free hand. “Okay?” He waited for Dex to nod before he went on: “Third: we need to talk to the team about your fear of not being wanted. You won’t always be my priority because sometimes shit happens and Chow or my siblings have to come first. But you’ll always be my first choice. And we need to talk to Bitty and Chow, we need to apologise to them.”

“Yeah. I… Yeah.”

“Do you have anything you’d like to add?”

Dex nodded, turning more against the palm on his face. “No photos on Facebook or any other social media my family follows. And I’d like to tell my aunt about us… if there is an _us_.”

“May I tell my mums about us, then?”

“Yeah. Oh! And I want to take you on a date. Now. I haven’t had anything to eat today so let’s grab coffee and call it a date officially. Samwell can know.”

“A date sounds nice.” Derek leaned forward slightly. “Do you kiss before the first date?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never really dated but I guess we can find out?”

“You’re a fucking idiot, Poindexter.” Derek’s hand slipped from his cheek to his neck, gently pulling him in.

“Too slow,” Will muttered, closing the distance between them.

It was not the most technically proficient kiss Derek had ever had, by far. But it was perfect. Slow and soft, Dex pliant under his lips.

“You can touch, you know?” Derek breathed into the space between them.

Immediately, Will’s hands came up, one to clutch his shirt and the other to tangle in his hair. Derek smirked, pulling him in for another, even sweeter kiss. Something within him finally settled. Something clicked, as cliche as it was. Derek tentatively shifted, ducking in to trail featherlight kisses along Will’s cheekbones, down to his throat.

“That okay?” He whispered. “You’re not active, so I…”

“Shut the fuck up and keep going.” He pulled him in by his hair, whimpering lightly when Derek kissed up to his ear.

“I’d love to continue but I’m really fucking hungry.”

Will laughed and pulled away, but only after pressing a kiss to Derek’s lips.

“Fuck you. You can’t do that to a guy and then…”

Derek smirked, taking in Will’s state, hair sticking up at the back and eyes blown wide.

“Quit staring and get your ass moving if you’re so hungry.” Will got up and took a deep breath, chuckling softly. “Shit. Fuck, I…” He beamed at Derek.

“Yeah,” Derek grinned, getting up as well.

They got dressed in silence, Will grabbing his hand with adorable determination when they went to grab something to eat and a coffee. Dex even insisted they’d take a walk around campus. Derek wasn’t sure if he was doing this to prove something to himself, but he rolled with it. The more people they passed, the more Will relaxed. As if he only now realised that no one at Samwell gave a shit about two dudes holding hands. When they approached the Haus again, Will let go off his hand, but only so he could get his keys out and unlock the door. As soon as the front door closed behind them, Bitty appeared in the kitchen doorway.

“Thank heavens. Chowder, it’s them.”

He heard quick shuffling and Chow appeared next to Bitty.

“You’re okay! I was so worried. Neither of you answered their phones and you were gone and I am so sorry for threatening you and…”

“C, it’s okay,” Will smiled. “We must’ve forgotten our phones, we didn’t mean to worry you. You were right to threaten us. It’s all good.”

“So you won’t kill each other?”

“Maybe a _petite mort_?” Derek suggested, laughing at Bitty’s eyes going wide.

“I know enough French to understand that!” Bitty huffed but grinned.

Dex draped himself over Derek’s back and kissed his cheek. With the gesture and its implications dawning on them, Chowder lit up.

“Oh my god, you guys!”

“We’re taking it slow,” Derek smiled. “But we want to tell the team.”

“Talk to the team in general, apologise for our behaviour,” Will added. “And now, if you’ll excuse me, I need a nap because I’m emotionally exhausted.”

“From what? You have like two emotions,” Derek teased.

Still, he shuffled them along, dragging Will with him to the stairs.

“Chow, Frog Pile tonight?” Will asked before they went upstairs.

“You got it,” Chowder beamed.

Derek was certain: it was the start of something quite incredible, something that would surely leave him breathless for more than one reason. There was still a lot of conversations ahead of them, a lot of secrets to uncover, but for now it was perfect. With a sleep-soft Will draped over him, head tucked underneath Derek’s chin - he could take on the world.


End file.
